Monday, May 17, 2021
Dear Daddy-ji, I wrote the following thoughts at another funeral service, and now that I have adopted it for you it has a deeper meaning within:
The death of you, who has been a part of my entire life, is a sacred reflection of my deep sense of who I am at this moment.
I ask myself, how am I remembering you now that you have passed away? Not the memories I would like others to think I am thinking, but rather those subtle, lightning-fast memories that are whispers in the wind. Are these fleeting whispers of thoughts memories of joy, frustration, anger, or probably a little bit of everything? As I dig in a little deeper, deeper behind these memories, specifically when I was young, there is a filter, a filter I created to protect something deep within – perhaps it is a filter of pain, or a filter of shame, or ‘something’ I have been protecting, guarding, hiding, for the whole of my life. Here I am today a lifetime later, without you being aware, and always consoling myself day-after-day, I am still protecting that ‘something’ which I created when I was just a child. This elusive and core ‘something’ has been my life’s impetus and has defined my personality.
I would like know what that ‘something’ is for me? Now that you are lying in your coffin, I am self-reflecting how I remember you. When I am deeply alone and truly honest within, then that self-reflection shows me the filter that defines all of me right now. That self-reflection shows me how I see and experience other people, both alive today and those that have died, and then I ask myself, do I still choose to protect that ‘something?’ I will continue to reflect and grow upon this understanding.
Words are both a powerful means to communicate and exceptionally dangerous to limit the real. Those memories of you Dad are not just words, but rather, experiences that have meaning to reflect my past experiences. And, these experiences have been filtered by that ‘something’ I have been protecting all my life. Daddy-ji, you and I are all just people, people with flaws. I will remember that such that I know It is never about being right and it is never about being wrong, rather it is the meaning of my sacred memories as I self-reflect my experiences about you. Equally, my self-reflection of you are my sacred self-reflection understandings to acknowledge and accept that which is sacred within you and that which is sacred within me.
All in all I am left wondering, what would I experience of you, and experience of myself without my self-protecting filter I have defined and defended all my life?
